Once lived, the past has very little value. And yet we carry its lifeless body into all future moments, allowing it to crush us with its weight, to identify us, and to speak for us. – Don Miguel Ruiz
We’ve all been in a place of fear of something or being hurt again… but what does all of these mean? I’m a firm believer that whatever has happened to you, either a breakup, lost your career/job, lost a loved one, YOU have this feeling of being hurt, devastation, and not wanting to be hurt again… However, I believe that this is what makes us human.
For example, animals might fear an immediate danger, that is happening right now, but only we fear something that might happen, that isn’t happening now, that isn’t even showing its ugly face at the moment.
This fear, some might say, is necessary … it stops us from doing something stupid. But I’ve found most of these fears to be unnecessary, to be baseless, to be holding us back from achieving something and basically blocking what could be potentially a blessing in your life or even from moving forward.
“What fear is holding you back?”
intimacy/breakups
being hurt again
abandonment/rejection
failure or too much success
being broke
not being good enough
I think the last one — not being good enough — is actually at the root of all the others. We fear we’ll fail because we’re not good enough or being hurt again. We fear we’ll lose our relationships, friendships, families that we’ll be abandoned, that we’ll be rejected … because we’re not good enough. We fear intimacy for the very same reason — we might get rejected because we’re not good enough. Even the fear of success is based on the worry that we’re not good enough.
Do you have this fear? That you’re not good enough? I have, from a little part of my life many years ago.
I was mentally and physically abused by someone that “should" be a person that’ll care about me. And ever since then I’ve had this “fear” of being bullied again and being taken advantage of… so I took action and worked on my personal growth and learned to NEVER let anyone bully me or abuse me mentally or physically.
But here’s the thing: having the fear or being hurt is natural. Letting it stop you from going after your dreams and towards someone that truly cares about you is a tragedy.
I did this, for well over a 4 years of my teenage life. I let the fear of not being good enough stop me from even trying, from even daring to dream. But it turned out that my fears were baseless.That I AM GOOD ENOUGH. I’m not perfect, but who is?
When I was able to overcome this fear of not being good enough, this fear of failure and rejection, and put myself out there in the world, I succeeded. I found out that I was good enough.
“Accept your past without regret, handle your present with confidence, and face your future without fear.” ~Unknown
How to Beat Your Fears
First, acknowledge your fear. This is a huge first step. If you do just this today, you’ve done something great. Many of us have these fears, but they are at the back of our mind, unnoticed, unacknowledged, as we try to ignore them and pretend they’re not there. But they are there. And they affect us, every day, all our lives. So acknowledge the fear.
Be in the moment. Fear of failure and fear of being hurt again (and other similar fears) are fears of the future. We get caught up in worrying about what might happen. Instead, banish all thoughts of the future. Banish even thoughts of past mistakes and failures. Now focus on right now. Do something right now to beat your fears, to pursue your dreams, and forget about what might happen. Just do it, now, in the moment. When you find yourself thinking about the past or future, bring yourself back in the moment and focus on what you’re doing right at this moment.
Feel the fear. You’ve acknowledged it, but you’re still afraid of it. You’re reluctant to even have this fear, perhaps even embarrassed about it. Well, no more. Recognize that you’re not alone, that we ALL have these fears, that we all think we might not be good enough. Please try this experiment with me: Repeat after me… “there’s nothing wrong with having this fear.” Now allow yourself to feel it. Experience it fully. Bask in this fear. It isn’t as bad as you think. It’s a part of you, but it doesn’t control you. “Feel the fear & do it anyway.”
Just do it. To repeat: feel the fear and do it anyway. To beat the fear, you have to just do it. See below for some tips on doing this, but what works for me is not thinking, just acting. Like when you want to jump off a waterfalls into the pool below: don’t think about it. Just jump! It’s an exhilarating feeling. I fear public speaking, but when I get up and just do it, I feel great.
Small steps. Conquering fear and pursuing a life goal can be overwhelming, intimidating. So start small. Just take one little baby step. Something you know you can do. Something you’re sure to succeed at. Then feel good about that (see below) and take another small baby step. Keep doing this, and soon you’ll have conquered a mountain.
Celebrate every success! Every single thing you do right, celebrate! Even the smallest little thing. And use this feeling of success, of victory, to propel yourself forward and take the next step.
Assuming responsibility for your unpleasant circumstances is a way to regain control of your life and to learn.
Ask yourself how your thoughts and behaviors might have contributed to what happened to you. The past won’t repeat itself if you learn from the difficulty and assume control of your thoughts about the situation.
And even if you feel that you didn’t play a role in the challenge you experienced, you can still take responsibility for your attitudes and feelings about what happened.
See, if we live in fear or being hurt again, YOU ARE BLOCKING what could be a blessing in your life. So, go live life every day with open arms, and accept and learn from everything that you will experience.