Wealthy Minds

Create a Place for Everything That Matters

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It can often feel like our lives are messy, cluttered, overwhelming, scattered.

Like a house filled with clutter, our lives can feel like a huge mess.

Today I’d like to share an idea for getting things in order: just as I recommend for decluttering your house, create a place for everything that matters to you.

In our physical houses, things can get messy when we just put things in random places. So when we declutter, it’s not just about getting rid of things we don’t want — it’s also about finding a home for everything we do want. A place for everything.

Once we have a home for each item, it’s a matter of training ourselves to put them back where they belong. And once this is in place, things can feel much more sane. It’s not about keeping to a perfect system, it’s about knowing where things go, and then allowing ourselves to relax into that structure.

What if we could apply the same idea to everything else in our lives? If something is worth being in our lives, doesn’t it deserve to have a place?

For example:

  • Tasks can go in one place, a task manager app or text list that you keep in one place. Instead of keeping them in various messages and inboxes, put them in one list.

  • If you have recurring tasks or events to remember, you could put them in one place: a calendar, or a reminders list, or your task list if it features recurring tasks. But choose one, instead of using all of these and forgetting where your recurring tasks might be.

  • Doing your finances can become a mess if we don’t have structure … so we can create a daily habit (like checking your accounts or budget program) and a weekly review to pay bills and take care of other tasks.

  • Do you have a thousand browser tabs open? What if the tasks that each tab represented all had a place? Like a list of things to read and watch, a list of ideas to consider for the future, a list of websites you’re using to research a project, and of course your task list if the tabs represent tasks you need to do.

  • If you have a thousand messages in 10 different messaging apps, you might create daily rituals for checking and replying to messages instead of doign it randomly.

These are a few ideas, but you might find other places where you life feels messy, and then find a place or a structure to keep that messiness organized. A home for everything.

In the examples above (which you are not limited to), the main places to keep things might be:

  1. A task list for tasks.

  2. A calendar for recurring events and reminders.

  3. A notes program that has lists of things to read/watch, ideas to consider, research notes and links.

  4. A daily and weekly finance routine.

  5. A regular ritual to check and reply to messages.

If we had regular times in the day and the week to do these things, our lives would feel much more in order.

-AG

Accept What Is — Don’t Judge as Good or Bad

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“Be Content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” – Lao Tzu

One of the greatest sources of unhappiness, in my experience, is the difficulty we have in accepting things as they are.

Without judgment, without wishing for otherwise.

When we see something we don’t like, we wish it could be different — we cry out for something better. That may be human nature, or perhaps it’s something that’s ingrained in our culture.

The root of the unhappiness isn’t necessarily that we want things to be different, however: it’s that we decided we didn’t like it in the first place. We’ve judged it as bad, rather than saying, “It’s not bad or good, it just is.”

It’s too negative to expect things to go wrong, they said. However: it’s only negative if you see it as negative. If you judge it as bad.

Instead, you could accept it as the way the world works — as the way things actually are. And try to understand why that is, and embrace it. As it is.

This can be applied to whatever you do: whether it be how other people act at work, how politics works and how depressing the news media can be. Accept these things as they are, and try to understand why they’re that way.

It’ll save you a lot of grief, because you’ll no longer say, “Oh, I wish things didn’t suck!”

Does it mean you can never change things? Not at all. But change things not because you can’t accept things as they are, but because you enjoy the process of change, of learning and growing.

Can we make this world a better place? Again, that’s assuming that it’s a bad place right now. But instead, you could say the world is just what it is — and that’s neither good nor bad. You can say that you’ll continue to try to do things to help others, to grow as a person, to make a difference in this world — not because you’re such a bad person now, or the world sucks, but because that’s the path you choose to take, because you enjoy that path.

As you catch yourself judging, and wishing for different — and we all do it — try a different approach: accept, and understand. It might lead to amazing results and experiences IF YOU choose to let go and let it flow instead of fighting your feelings and emotions. IT COULD BE A BLESSING in the end.

-AG

Create a Powerful Framing for the World

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The way we view life is usually invisible to us, and yet it is probably the most powerful thing in our lives.

For example, one person might hear the words of another person and feel incredibly hurt, stressed, angry, and then it ruins their entire week … while another person might hear the same words and feel compassion and love for the other person. Neither person is right or wrong, they simply have different views of the world.

The way we look at the world is called our “framing” of the world. The lens through which we see our lives. Our view of things.

There is no “right” lens or framing, nothing that we “should” choose. In fact, “right” and “should” are two common framings of the world. There are simply different lenses, different ways to frame anything. And if we bring awareness to the frame, we can choose.

I’m going to share a few examples of framing, and then share how you might create something powerful for yourself.

Some examples:

  • An act of helping someone else might be seen as a way to impress others and get acknowledgement and love, or it can be a simple act of joyful connection with another human being, or a way to offer your gift to others.

  • Answering an email can be another opportunity to mess up and look dumb, or it can be a way to connect with someone you care about, or a place of exploration and learning.

  • Writing can be a dreadful chore full of pressure or boredom, or it can be a place of curiosity and play, or a place of deep contemplation and silence, or a way to sing your song to the world with exhilaration.

  • Cleaning the bathroom can be a gross mundane task that you feel like avoiding, or perhaps a meditation practice helping you to be more present to your life, or maybe a way to connect your heart to all others who have to clean a bathroom.

As you can see, there isn’t only one way to view a situation (or another person, or yourself). In fact, I’ve only listed a few in each example, but there are endless possibilities. And which view you choose will determine your experience, and often the results you get and what actions you take.

Our entire lives are shaped by our framing. And we usually don’t choose them, they are automatic.

Bringing Awareness to Our Framing

So how can we make them less automatic and more of a choice? We have to shine a light on them.

How am I viewing this situation that causes me to feel and react this way? What kind of framing would have me avoid this task or situation? What lens would make me have this experience of life?

Some common ways to frame things:

  • A way I might fail, look stupid, be rejected, be seen as weird or incompetent or unworthy.

  • Overwhelming, too much, too hard.

  • Unchangable, something I should just resign myself to or get through.

  • A burden, boring.

  • Another way to prove myself as broken or shameful.

  • A way I need to prove myself worthy or good.

  • A thing I need to get right.

  • Something I should do.

  • Proof of my wrongness.

  • A way that others are wrong or not doing what they should do.

  • A huge injustice or disrespect.

  • Something I can’t have.

  • A way the other person is showing they don’t care about me (i.e. unanswered messages).

  • Something I might lose.

  • A way to be inauthentic.

  • Something to hide because it’s shameful.

  • Too much to handle, too tiring, too draining.

There is nothing wrong with these views — we all have them somewhere in a place we can’t see. They’re automatic, and they shape our lives. Which of these might explain some difficulties you’re having with habits, relationsihps, work, health, happiness?

Choosing a Powerful Framing

There are endless possibilties, too many for me to list. I’ll list a few anyway!

The idea is to look at a situation, bring awarenes to what your current framing might be, and then decide to reframe it for yourself. Try on the new framing, and practice seeing things in this way for awhile, and see what results you get. There is no right answer.

Pick a situation that seems particularly challenging: maybe you have not been eating healthily, or feel bad about yourself, or are frustrated with someone, or feel like you’re avoiding hard tasks, or have a hard time with a family member who is suffering through health problems.

Take that one situation, and examine your view. What framing might cause the reaction you’re having? You don’t have to get it exactly right, but take a shot.

Are you committed to that framing? Would you be open to letting it go and trying on something new?

Here are a few possibilities among the limitless number … a situation or task or person might be:

  • An opportunity for play, adventure, exploration, learning.

  • An opportunity for curiosity.

  • An opportunity for compassion and love.

  • A way to express your gift, your true self, to sing your song.

  • A way to connect with someone.

  • An opportunity for wonder, gratitude, appreciation, awe.

  • A way to practice mindfulness, being present to your life.

  • A chance to surrender, trust, relax with life.

  • A place to practice letting down your defenses.

  • An opportunity to deepen, to contemplate, to find solitude and silence.

  • An exhilarating experience of freedom and openness.

  • A place of spaciousness.

  • A chance to savor, find the deliciousness, find the delight.

  • A place to choose.

  • A way to experiment, try something new.

  • A way to meet your needs, to own what you want, to set boundaries with love.

  • An opportunity to lead, to serve.

  • A way to express your purpose.

  • An expression of your power.

These are a few of my favorite. I try them on all the time.

What would you like to choose? Could you try it on for awhile, and see what emerges?

-AG

Create a Place for Everything That Matters

in ,

It can often feel like our lives are messy, cluttered, overwhelming, scattered.

Like a house filled with clutter, our lives can feel like a huge mess.

Today I’d like to share an idea for getting things in order: just as I recommend for decluttering your house, create a place for everything that matters to you.

In our physical houses, things can get messy when we just put things in random places. So when we declutter, it’s not just about getting rid of things we don’t want — it’s also about finding a home for everything we do want. A place for everything.

Once we have a home for each item, it’s a matter of training ourselves to put them back where they belong. And once this is in place, things can feel much more sane. It’s not about keeping to a perfect system, it’s about knowing where things go, and then allowing ourselves to relax into that structure.

What if we could apply the same idea to everything else in our lives? If something is worth being in our lives, doesn’t it deserve to have a place?

For example:

  • Tasks can go in one place, a task manager app or text list that you keep in one place. Instead of keeping them in various messages and inboxes, put them in one list.

  • If you have recurring tasks or events to remember, you could put them in one place: a calendar, or a reminders list, or your task list if it features recurring tasks. But choose one, instead of using all of these and forgetting where your recurring tasks might be.

  • Doing your finances can become a mess if we don’t have structure … so we can create a daily habit (like checking your accounts or budget program) and a weekly review to pay bills and take care of other tasks.

  • Do you have a thousand browser tabs open? What if the tasks that each tab represented all had a place? Like a list of things to read and watch, a list of ideas to consider for the future, a list of websites you’re using to research a project, and of course your task list if the tabs represent tasks you need to do.

  • If you have a thousand messages in 10 different messaging apps, you might create daily rituals for checking and replying to messages instead of doign it randomly.

These are a few ideas, but you might find other places where you life feels messy, and then find a place or a structure to keep that messiness organized. A home for everything.

In the examples above (which you are not limited to), the main places to keep things might be:

  1. A task list for tasks.

  2. A calendar for recurring events and reminders.

  3. A notes program that has lists of things to read/watch, ideas to consider, research notes and links.

  4. A daily and weekly finance routine.

  5. A regular ritual to check and reply to messages.

If we had regular times in the day and the week to do these things, our lives would feel much more in order.

-AG

Open your heart...

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“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself.

Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever.

Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon.

You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

~ Bob Marley ~

Trusting Once Again: How to Make the Most of Second Chances

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Trust is an important cornerstone of any relationship – romantic, familial, as well as our friendships. Some people will go as far as to say that trust is the absolute most important part of these relationships; so, when trust is broken, it alters the entire dynamic of the relationship. Depending on the level of trust that was broken, a relationship may not be salvageable. For those who are willing to give second chances, learning to trust again can be difficult, but it can be accomplished with time.

Along with proper communication, the following steps can help you trust again after you’ve been hurt:

  • Relearn how to trust yourself: After we’ve been betrayed, we may feel angry with the person who hurt us, but we may also feel angry with ourselves. You might find yourself asking questions like, “how could I have let that happen?”, “why am I letting this affect me so much?”, “should I have kept my guard up?” “am I stupid for continuing to give second chances?”. So, before we can trust someone else again, we need to trust ourselves first. When you learn to trust your gut and your intuition, you can feel more at peace with the decisions you make, and the second chances that you choose to give.

  • Understand that nobody is perfect: Humans aren’t machines; we mess up and unfortunately, we’re guaranteed to mess up again. When we give second chances, we can’t expect the other person to be perfect. The best we can do is hope that the second chances we give won’t mean the same mistake will continue to happen. When we tell people that they need to earn our trust, we’re essentially telling them that they can’t mess up. Let go of the notion that your loved one must be perfect. Ernest Hemingway once said, “the best way to find out if you can trust somebody, is to trust them” – there’s no fail-proof way to know for sure that someone won’t ruin their second chance; when we love someone, we just have to hope for the best.

  • Let go of your ego: Oftentimes, when a loved one betrays us, and other people know about it, we feel embarrassed. But don’t let that embarrassment hold you back from forgiveness. The embarrassment you feel has nothing to do with you – it was their action, not yours. Ask yourself if you’re holding a grudge because you are hurt or if your ego is hurt. If it’s your ego that’s hurt, ask yourself if this is something worth holding on to? Is your ego more important than the person you love? Probably not. If you’ve chosen to give a second chance, remember why – that the person is worth it.

  • Take baby steps: Nobody is expecting you to dive right back in, forgive the person who hurt you, and continue as if everything is back to normal. When you trust someone, you take a risk. Sometimes these risks are small and sometimes the risks can feel like they’re holding your life in the balance. After you’ve given second chances, try trusting again with the small things until they build into the bigger things later on. You get to set the pace and exercise trust in a time frame that’s right for you. When you take the relationship in baby steps, trusting again can feel safer and more manageable.

No matter how many times you say, “I’m done,”  chances are you’re not. And that’s perfectly OK–you cared about this person, you wanted it to work out, so you do what you think is only fair by giving them another shot. Just make sure that you go into round two with your head on straight and your heart fully aware of what’s happening so you don’t get burned twice.

People make mistakes (that’s just life), so giving this person a second chance doesn’t mean you’re weak or stupid. With that said, I’m hoping that you can also see the difference between issues that warrant another go around and issues that don’t.

But remember, this is crucial. Make sure you see things for what they really are, and if it’s not the picture you wanted to envision, then toss it and pick up a blank canvas, because there’s someone out there who’s been waiting forever to paint a beautiful piece of artwork for you.

-AG

Staying at the Edge of Uncertainty

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When we get into a situation that feels uncertain, most of us will immediately try to get to a place of certainty.

Instead of having a difficult conversation, we’ll stay in a crappy situation for longer than we need to.

Instead of putting our art out into the world, we’ll hide it in the safety of obscurity.

When things feel chaotic and overwhelming, we look for a system that will feel ordered and simple.

All of us do this in most areas of our lives. Sometimes, we are able to voluntarily stay in uncertainty, but those times are relatively rare, and usually we don’t like it so much.

Here’s the thing: the edge of uncertainty and chaos is where we learn, grow, create, lead, make incredible art and new inventions.

The edge of uncertainty is where we explore, go on adventures, get curious, and reinvent ourselves.

The edge of uncertainty is where we can find unexpected beauty, love, intimacy, vulnerability, meaning.

Everything we truly crave is at the edge of uncertainty, but we run from it.

The trick is to stay in it, BUT not for too long…

The Edge, Not Deep in the Pit

I say the “edge of uncertainty” because most of us are unprepared to be fully in uncertainty without some kind of ground under our feet. We need some certainty, some safety. Without it, we feel like we’re spinning out of control.

When our lives become untethered, we need some kind of ground to stand on. When we’re lost in depression or trauma, we need to feel the ground of our basic goodness, of knowing that there are others here with us.

So I don’t recommend letting go of all certainty. Let your life be mostly stable.

But once you have a little stability, let yourself get to the edge of uncertainty.

It’s the place where you’re learning, but not completely lost. Where you are exploring, but not “freefalling.” Where you’re creating something new, but not without some grasp of what came before you.

Stay at the edge, and then let yourself rest in some kind of comfort. Go to the edge, then come back and take a breather.

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How to Train at the Edge

If you’d like to get good at staying in uncertainty, I highly recommend daily training.

And no, it’s not enough to say, “My life is all uncertainty, I’m already doing it!” I mean, that’s probably true, but it’s not deliberate practice. It’s what’s happening to you, but you’re not deliberately training to stay at your edge.

So I recommend daily deliberate practice:

  1. Set aside a time. It’s not usually helpful to say that you’ll do it sometime. You already have enough of those things in your life, adding one more won’t be helpful. So pick a time and set multiple reminders.

  2. Pick something you’re avoiding or feel overwhelmed/afraid of. Writing that book or report, marketing, giving honest feedback, dealing with new technology, making calls, recording videos, etc. It should make you feel somewhere around a 7 out of 10 resistance. Have a good reason to do this task, not just because it’s hard. Are you doing it for something meaningful to you? For someone you care about?

  3. Do it for a short time. Just 10 minutes is fine, or 15. Work up to 30 minutes a day. You just need to stay there a little while, not forever.

  4. Learn to embrace the uncertainty. Notice how you feel like doing something else. Let yourself feel the uncertainty, as a physical sensation in your body. Let yourself stay there, but bring curiosity instead of complaint to the uncertainty. See if there can be any kind of openness, gratitude, even joy in the middle of the uncertainty.

  5. Be kind to yourself. Notice if you’re beating yourself up about not doing more or doing better, and let go of some of that. Be kind. If you’re trying to force yourself to do something you hate, give yourself encouragement. Cultivate a friendly attitude toward yourself in this training.

-AG

AND… THAT'S ON GROWTH!

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Simplicity as Spiritual Practice: Declutter for Deep Personal Growth

When we begin to declutter our lives, often it’s because we long for some kind of peace, some space, some relief from the chaos … or perhaps it’s to start to lead a more intentional, beautiful life.

But something magical happens when we dive into the decluttering process.

We start to learn about ourselves.

And if we keep at it, decluttering can become a place of deep growth.

I’ve seen this in my own life and in the lives of people I’ve worked with, countless times.

Decluttering causes us to confront some key relationships we have to our stuff, and to the world around us:

  • We learn that clutter often represents our procrastination and avoidance patterns, and if we are to address the clutter, we must shift those patterns.

  • We realize that we place a lot of power in objects: the power to give us identity, a sense of value, a sense of who we are; the power to give use security, hopes for the future, memories, love, comfort.

  • But then we realize that this power is within us all along, not outside of us. This takes work, to start to see this in an experiential (not just intellectual) way.

  • We learn about our attachments to things, and how to let go. This takes a lot of mindfulness, and some realization that we have happiness within us, and letting go of objects is simply a practice of that realization.

  • We start to pay attention to what is truly important to us, and that will shift over the course of this inquiry. When we ask this question of what’s important, we can start to live intentionally, and once we start living in line with those values, we evolve our understanding of what we really value. It changes as we take action.

  • We start to deal with the shame and guilt that come up from our clutter, from our procrastination and avoidance, from our years of mindless shopping. The shame and guilt get in the way, but they can also spur us to reconsider our patterns, to start the process of shifting them. In the end, one of the most powerful shifts is to let go of the shame and guilt while also embracing the truth of not avoiding.

These are some of the things we might explore while we declutter — many more possibilities exists, and I think you’ll find your own realizations and growth that are unique to you.

Let’s talk about just a couple of these.

The Power We Give to Objects is Really Inside Us

As we declutter, it’s amazing to ask exactly why we acquired all this stuff, and why we hold on to it with attachment.

And then we realize how much power we give to all these objects.

Imagine what would happen if we could realize that the power isn’t outside of us, but is in us all along.

Some common cases:

  1. Security: Buying a lot of stuff makes a lot of people feel secure. If everything crashes, at least we have all this stuff, right? This is the idea that my grandparents’ generation, who were raised in the Great Depression, once had. But while I’m all for having an emergency fund savings account for security, possessions the best way to get security. Actually, security is within: being mindful of fear and meditating on it without being reactive to it, learning skills and developing options so that we can survive in many situations, staying lean so we aren’t deeply in debt or overburdened with bills, and in the end, developing the trust that we’ll be OK just as we are.

  2. Approval: Lots of us try to buy nice things to impress other people — we don’t usually admit that to ourselves, but in the end, we want the approval of others. Maybe you buy a nice house with beautiful furniture, maybe it’s a hip old-school record player or an impressive sound system, maybe it’s a huge TV or the latest gadgets, maybe it’s minimalism that is more minimal than anyone else. In the end, it’s all about wanting others to approve. What if we just approved ourselves? Easier said than done, but the power to approve us is within us, if we stop looking for outside approval. Declutter to take care of yourself, for your own personal growth, not to get the approval of others. Do good things for yourself, and start to love yourself exactly as you are.

  3. Comfort: Just the act of buying things can be a way of comforting ourselves, like eating comfort food when we’re stressed. But lots of times, we buy possessions to give ourselves comfort: a nicer mattress or sofa, a plush carpet or convenient kitchen gadgets. There is nothing wrong with these things, but it’s also useful to note that we’re giving these things the power to comfort us. Instead, we might realize that we have the power to comfort ourselves from within: by meditating, by going for a walk in nature, by giving ourselves love, by resting when we’re tired or stressed, by creating and finding joy in living, by loving others and loving life.

  4. Identity & value: Possessions can often give us a sense of identity and value — a trophy makes us feel accomplished, having nice ski equipment or a surfboard makes us feel outdoorsy, having lots of books can make us feel smart or intellectually accomplished. But the truth is, the way we feel about ourselves doesn’t really come from the objects — it’s an internal process, all coming from within. Want to feel amazing? Appreciate the amazingness that’s already within you. Demonstrate it to yourself daily with 20 minutes of meditation and 100 pushups. Even just watching your mind, you can find an sense of awe about yourself!

  5. Memories and love: We can’t bear to get rid of things because they represent amazing memories, and the love of the people who gave them to us. But the memories aren’t in the objects! They’re in our heads, and a simple digital photo can remind us of the memories, especially if we remind ourselves to browse through the digital photo album regularly. And the love from these people aren’t in the objects! It’s in our hearts. We only need to feel that love from within, and no object can actually give us that.

  6. Hope and aspiration: We hold onto exercise or sports equipment we never use because we have hopes that we’ll do them in the future. We hold onto 100 books because we have aspirations to read them in the future. There are dozens of objects in our lives that represent our hopes and aspirations for ourselves. But what if we realized that we don’t need all of those hopes for our future selves? That we have greatness in us, right now, without needing to do any of that? We are exactly enough, right this moment, and while sure, it’s possible we’ll do some of that later, we don’t need it. We can let go of it. And just be content right now. Leaving open incredible possibilities for the future, but being realistic that we’ll only be able to focus on what’s truly important in the near future.

  7. Happiness: In the end, most of the objects are intended to give us happiness — a new smoothie blender will make us healthy and fit, a new outfit will make us feel gorgeous and confident, a new bag will make us feel cooler, a new book will give us joy or insight. Those things might happen. But the happiness that results doesn’t really come from the things. It comes from our own connection to our loving, open hearts. The stuff might facilitate that, but mostly it’s just getting in the way.

There is some great power in realizing the things we think our objects do for us. And there is even more incredible power in realizing that we have that power inside us, no objects required.

Knowing that, we can let go of anything not giving us true utility.

Living Life in Alignment with What’s Important, with Intention

One of the magical things about decluttering is that it forces you to ask a wonderful question:

What is important to me in my life?

As you tackle a pile of clothes, a cluttered countertop, a shelf overflowing with books, there’s no way to get rid of clutter without answering that question.

To toss anything out, you have to consider what you feel is essential, and what isn’t.

Simplicity is simply identifying what’s essential, and letting go of the rest.

When you start decluttering, you might not really know what’s important. You look at some clothes and decide that you have’t worn something in a couple years, so probably it’s not that important, right?

But as you peel back the first layer or two, you start hitting against a harder layer. Is this something I should keep or not? Does it really matter to me? What do I consider important in my life? What kind of life do I want to live? What do I truly value?

For me, this has started to boil down to a few key things. What I value the most:

  1. Meaningful work: helping people push into the uncertainty to certainty of their missions and their own meaningful work, shifting their habitual patterns using mindfulness techniques. This is what I care deeply about.

  2. Loved ones: my family. Spending quality time with them, loving them.

  3. Living a mindful, active, and a life with compassion. It means being compassionate as much as I’m able. It means growing, evolving, loving.

That’s all that matters to me. I like to travel, but it’s no longer one of my top priorities unless it’s in service of one of the above priorities. I like to read, but unless it serves something above, it’s taken a bit of a back seat (I still love it!). I love good films, television, music, self development audios, and art. I feel it’s important to understand your deepest issues that affect us you the most. But for me, I have evolved my priorities into those items above. In short, my deepest priority is loving me and giving unconditional love to others.

But those are just my answers. You’ll find yours, as you continue this inquiry into what’s important.

When you start to figure that out, something awesome happens: you start to live in alignment with those priorities. You start to live your values. You start to live consciously, with intention.

When you start to uncover your priorities … then you can start to let go of everything that doesn’t serve those priorities. What’s clutter becomes clearer, and it becomes easier to let go of these.

You can start your days with intention. Who will you serve? What priorities will you hold in front of yourself? How will you show up? How fully can you love?

- AG

Expanding Our Capacity to Be With Chaos

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We don’t like chaos.

It is uncertainty, overwhelm, a feeling of groundlessness, being unmoored, out to sea without a compass.

And it usually triggers a shut-down response in us: hide, avoid, procrastinate, try to get control, anxiety, or wanting to give up. Or not wanting to even start in the first place, if we know there will be chaos.

I’m here to advocate for the beauty of chaos! It is the fabric of life, and we can never escape it. What we can do instead is slow down, get quiet, and open to the beauty of chaos.

This takes tremendous practice and I'm still not yet at a place where I can say I have mastered it, BUT here are some things that has been working for me, so far.

Chaos Can Be Overwhelming

We like order, and when things are messy or chaotic, it can feel scary or overwhelming.

A few examples:

  • I’m going off to college and am feeling overwhelmed by the idea of a roommate and there being so many people around. It feels like I won’t have my own space.

  • I worry about getting into a relationship when I’m just learning to take care of myself, and enjoying having alone time. I don’t want to get too entangled and then hurt the other person by breaking it off later.

  • My life is overly full right now, I feel scattered and all over the place and I can’t focus on anything!

  • I’m at an event with so many people, I am not used to people being around, how can I handle the overwhelm?

  • My health has taken a bad turn, and I feel helpless and lost.

These are just a few ways that chaos shows up for us. In fact, it’s always present, in small and big ways. The world is unpredictable, dynamic, swirling. And we often don’t want to be with all of that.

There is so much possibility if we let ourselves be with chaos.

Practicing Being with Chaos

We can learn to be present with the chaos in a relaxed way.

It starts with recognizing when we’re feeling it.

Then we can decide whether we want to practice with it. Do we have the capacity to train ourselves in chaos right now? No judgment if we don’t — it’s a recognition of whether we have anything in our emotional and mental battery, and absolutely a wonderful thing to do for ourselves to opt out when we’re not up for it.

Then we can practice grounding ourselves. Start with a little stability before going into chaos.

Next … we can turn towards the chaos. This is like turning towards the storm: bring attention to the sensation of chaos in our bodies (internal) and the presentation of chaos all around us (external). It’s watching the wind blow the grass in unpredictable ways. Watching the ocean swirl. Watching people flowing past a window.

Opening our eyes to the beauty of the moment.

And learning to relax in the middle of the swirl.

Expanding Our Capacity

We all have a limited capacity to be with chaos, fear, uncertainty, groundlessness.

When we hit that limit, we shut down. We go to our comforts or defenses. And that’s of course completely OK! We don’t need to force ourselves to stay open to chaos when we’re not in a place to do that.

That said, we can expand that capacity, through training.

The training goes something like this:

  • Intentionally create a practice to train with chaos daily. It could be at the same time of day, or just have a note somewhere that will remind you to practice. That reminder will get less effective over time, so change it up weekly.

  • When it’s time to practice, notice the chaos you’re feeling. Or recall a time earlier in the day when you were feeling it.

  • Practice turning towards the feeling of chaos in your body, as mentioned in the section above.

  • Practice keeping your attention here, keeping your heart open, as long as you feel able to do so.

  • Close the session with some gratitude for yourself for practicing.

If you do this on a daily basis, your capacity will expand over time. You’ll be able to spontaneously practice when chaos arises in the moment. Sometimes.

Other times, you just won’t have it. That’s OK. We’re human.

The Beauty of Chaos

What we begin to open to, as we sit in a quiet moment with this practie, is the swirling beauty of chaos.

We automatically turn away from it as if it’s an unwanted burden, but chaos is the fabric of life. It is the ocean splashing against the rocks, the light filtering through dust motes in the still air, the clouds of a storm. It’s the joyous play of a child, the trees swaying in the wind with leaves tremulously shaking.

Chaos is a loved one interrupting us when we’re trying to focus, asking for the gift of our attention. It’s a day full of activity and abundance. It’s a life never short of surprises. It’s loss and death and heartbreak and intimacy.

It’s my wish that the world opens to this chaotic beauty.

-AG

“Live quietly in the moment and see the beauty of all before you. The future will take care of itself …” ~Paramahansa Yogananda

Embrace Groundlessness: When Everything Seems Out of Control

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“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man’s-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again.” ~Pema Chodron

It’s a fundamental fact of human life that we want our lives to be under control — we develop plans, goals, routines, systems, tools, schedules, structure to our lives.

But while developing some structure is a very helpful thing for most of us … the truth is, there’s so much that we don’t control. Life is chaotic, out of control, shaky.

It’s what Pema Chodron calls “goundlessness” — the feeling of no solid ground under our feet. Other Buddhists might call it impermanence, which is a basic fact of life that we very often don’t want to accept. We don’t like groundlessness. We want the solid ground.

So what do we do when life feels out of control, groundless?

We open up to the groundlessness.

Normally, we seek ground: some kind of control or permanence. The routines and systems, the hardened opinions about how life should be and how others should act, the comfort foods and distractions, any kind of semblance of certainty and comfort. It’s why we procrastinate, put off healthy habits, get angry at others’ behavior, and feel so much anxiety.

What if, instead, we could embrace the groundlessness?

What if we didn’t have to run, but instead learned that it is a beautiful thing?

What if we opened up to its spaciousness, it’s deliciousness?

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The Fresh, Open Experience of Groundlessness

We normally think of the world around us, other people, and ourselves as solid things. But in fact, the things we think of as solid are just our ideas of them. The things themselves are constantly in flux.

Consider yourself:

  • You think you’re an individual person, separate from everything around you. But in fact, you breathe in the air around you, taking it in, and it becomes a part of you. What separates you from the breath of air you just took in?

  • You drink water and eat food that becomes a part of you, and that food was brought to you by others, the water was brought by a whole system of water distribution, a whole weather system before that. You are only existing because of everything around you. Where do you begin and everything else ends?

  • You, in turn, are helping to create the world around you, and others around you. They owe their existence, in part, to you. Where do you end and others begin?

  • In fact, we’re all just interrelated phenomena, constantly shifting, all interdependent, and the line between one thing and everything else is completely arbitrary, all in our minds.

OK, that might all seem intellectual. The idea is that nothing is as solid as we think, and everything is interconnected in such a way that we can’t really say that “this is this, and that is that.”

To take it to an experiential level, try this:

  1. Pause for a moment and take in everything around you in this moment. Notice all the objects, the space, the light, the sounds. Bring everything around you, yourself included, into your awareness.

  2. See everything as less than solid. Imagine that everything isn’t as solid as it seems. The air isn’t solid, it’s constantly flowing and changing — now imagine that everything else is similarly flowing and unsolid. Yourself included. Imagine that it’s all just one big sea of changing fluid matter.

  3. Experience the openness. If nothing is solid and permanent, then everything is changing and open. Feel this openness as a freedom, a freshness, an exhilarating vastness. Relax into this openness, and feel its beauty.

This is the openness of groundlessness. Nothing is solid, nothing is fixed, but this is the good news! Openness is unconstricted, free, peaceful, and gorgeous.

Learning to Find the Beauty in Groundlessness

So things seem out of control, uncertain, groundless — and it brings up anxiety in you. How can we work with this?

First, we can allow ourselves to feel the sensations of uncertainty in our body, as physical sensations. How does your fear, anxiety, frustration feel in your body (dropping the narrative or story about it, just feeling the feeling)? Being present with this is a wonderfully courageous first step.

Next, we can experience the groundlessness of the situation. Your life is up in the air — feel the openness of this, the freshness of this moment, the freedom of nothing being fixed. It’s a beautiful, delicious groundlessness.

Yes, you have some things to do — that’s the practical aspect of needing to get things done in your life. We’ll get to that in a second. But for now, just experience the beautiful freshness, freedom, vastness and openness of this groundless moment.

Relax into it. Appreciate its openness. See and feel it with fresh eyes, as if you’ve never experienced this particular open moment before (hint: you haven’t, no one has). Let yourself melt into this open groundlessness. Let yourself fall in love with it!

Then, from this place of openness and love … ask yourself what’s the most important thing I can do right now? What’s the most loving thing I can do for myself and others?

Take that next step, not out of anxiety or fear, but out of love.

Do it while experiencing the openness of the moment and your actions. Savor the freshness and freedom as you act.

This is the way of embracing groundlessness.

-AG

Don’t Waste a Moment

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Lately I’ve been struck with the idea of how limited our lives are, and how little time we have to make something of them.

Imagine if you had a month to live: how would you spend it?

You could spend it with the people you love, soaking up time with them, really paying attention to every word they said. You could go out and have some amazing experiences, explore the world. You could spend it learning as much as you can, in books and by studying life itself.

You could create something. You could make the world better. You could put your stamp on the world by creating art, or making people’s lives better.

Any of those choices, or a combination of them, would be a worthy way to spend that month.

What wouldn’t be worthy, in my opinion: watching crappy TV (a few really good shows during the month might be an exception), constantly being distracted, constantly reading the news and social media, being mean or selfish all the time, shopping, feeling unmotivated and doing nothing with that time, worrying, regretting.

You could argue that any of those latter activities are worthwhile, and that’s fine — the point is to decide what’s worthy of your final month of living.

Make a choice. Decide what you’ll squeeze into those precious few days, because you don’t have many of them.

Each moment is limited, fleeting, precious. Let’s not waste another one.

Let’s live each moment, in love with life.

-AG

Letting Go of the Need for Control

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One of the (many) things I struggle with in life is wanting to feel in control of how things will turn out — control of a trip that I’m on, or even a project I’m working on.

Often, it’s not such a helpful way to be.

For starters, I don’t think we ever really control how things will turn out. We might think we do, but how often do things turn out the way you planned? I know my life has been a series of unexpected outcomes, despite my best intentions to get to certain goals. Even the goals that I reach turn out to be much different once I achieve them than I had planned.

What’s more, I’ve found that when I want to control the outcome of things, I become more anxious, more tense. I’m less happy with how other people do things, less happy with myself, less relaxed in the moment. My relationships suffer, and I’m less happy. Not good.

But what’s the answer? Well, what I’m finding is that I can’t stop myself from wanting to control things. I can’t stop the urge to control outcomes from coming up in me. I can’t control this.
So I have to just notice the desire to control things, and let the urge happen. Just sit there and see the urge, feel it, be with it.

I don’t have to act. I can just sit.

This is easier said than done, I’ve found. But I try to practice it:

I can see the urge as just another urge, not anything I have to follow. It’s a suggestion from the child within me, not a command.

Next, I turn to the moment and see the beauty of what’s in front of me. Of the ever-changing situation I find myself in. There’s joy in this situation, even if it’s uncontrolled.

I don’t need to control things to enjoy them. I can just let things happen.

That said, I still take action. I still do work (like I am now), I still work with people, I still walk around when I’m on a trip, I still look up information about where I am because I’m curious.

But the action is not necessarily to control the outcome. I can set an intention of doing something good, compassionate, helpful, without knowing whether things will turn out the way I hope. I set an intention, I act, but I don’t know how things will turn out.

And that’s OK. It’s completely fine not to know.

I act, and trust that things will turn out fine, even if I don’t know what that outcome might be.

I trust.

This is the choice: I can choose to try to control the outcome, or I can trust in the moment.

I choose trust.

-AG

The Path of Fearlessness

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The more I work with people who are struggling with habits or life problems, the more I see how fears are holding us back.

Fears stop us from building healthy and productive habits. Fears cause us to procrastinate, keep us from finding work that is meaningful (or doing that work if we’ve found it). Fears keep us from finding friends or connecting with people on a deeper level. Fears keep us from being happy in each moment.

Underlying all of those fears are a few key fears:

  • Fear of failure or being unprepared

  • Fear of uncertainty

  • Fear of being inadequate or being rejected

  • Fear of being alone

  • Fear of success

The two key fears are the fears of uncertainty and not being good enough, and in my experience, they’re both the same thing. We’re afraid of the uncertain future (and uncertain situations) because we don’t think we’re good enough to handle whatever might come out of the chaos.

These two fears (uncertainty and inadequacy) affect our lives in so many ways, and yet we rarely face them. We don’t want to feel these fears, so we run. We distract ourselves. We keep busy instead of being still to feel them. We find comfort in food and smoking and alcohol and TV.

In the end, the running doesn’t work, but only makes things worse.

There’s an alternative: the Path of Fearlessness.

Three Keys to Developing Fearlessness

What would our lives be like if we didn’t have fear holding us back?

We might find the freedom and joy that comes in being present with each moment.

We might find the underlying goodness that’s always there in each of us.

We might be able to finally live the lives we’ve always wanted to live.

So how do we walk this Path of Fearlessness?

Three practices to work with:

  1. Facing the fear mindfully. The truth is, we rarely allow ourselves to feel our fears. We run from them, pretend they aren’t there, distract ourselves, lash out at others, trying to find control. But we don’t even admit we have these fears, most of the time, let alone actually allow ourselves to feel them. So the practice is to just sit there when you notice yourself feeling any fear, and see if you can stay with it for awhile. Don’t stay with the story about the fear in your head, but rather how it feels in your body. See that it is stressful or painful or uncomfortable. Notice the particular physical feeling of this fear, this time. See if it changes. See what you can learn about it. See if you can be compassionate with it.

  2. Seeing your underlying goodness. As we sit in meditation, we can see that this moment is actually pretty wonderful. And this moment includes ourselves. We are part of the unconditional goodness of every single moment, and if we sit still we can start to feel that. There is goodness in our hearts, all the time, if we allow ourselves to feel it. There is the ability to appreciate and wonder, to feel and to love, to be present and to be grateful. Start to appreciate this, and you’ll start to develop confidence that you’ll be OK, even in uncertainty, even if you’re being judged, even if you put yourself out there with vulnerability.

  3. Embracing the joy of groundlessness. Uncertainty is scary because we don’t like the feeling of not having stable ground under our feet. We want certainty, control, stability, permanence … but life is filled with uncertainty, impermanence, shakiness, chaos. This causes the fear. Instead, we can start to embrace this uncertainty, see the beauty in impermanence, see the positivity of groundlessness. This uncertainty means we don’t know what will happen, which means we can be surprised by every moment! We can be filled with curiosity about what will emerge. We can reinvent ourselves each moment, because nothing is set, nothing is determined. There is joy in this groundlessness, if we embrace it.

No, these are not easy practices. But you can practice with them right now, and set aside a few minutes each morning to practice. You’ll see your confidence emerge, your fears dissipate a bit, your ability to appreciate each moment and yourself grow.

The Path of Fearlessness is one of mindfulness, of daily practice, and of finding the courage to face and push past the fears into joy.

-AG

MUST WATCH: Tony Robbins on "Relationship(s) Solution"

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“What love we’ve given, we’ll have forever. What love we fail to give, will be lost for all eternity.”
— Leo Buscaglia

Some of the best relationship advice I’ve been learning so far is that “opposites attract, but similarities bind.” I also learned that “true love is falling in love with the same person over and over.” But it’s time to dive deeper.  Much deeper. This article is a deep dive on how to find love, create your ultimate relationship, and improve your relationship skills.

The Big Picture of How To Create Your Ultimate Relationship and Ultimate Lover

Tony Robbins found the following truths to creating better relationships:

  1. Master Selection and Connection. You need to master Selection and Connection as the two primary skills for creating your ultimate relationship.

  2. Select your partner consciously. Your lover is your most important decision in life. Make it a conscious choice. Who you choose as a lover will have a huge influence over your ultimate happiness. Select somebody who matches your vision, who you can share things in common with and love the differences with passion, who you can create a raving fan lover, and who does not conflict with your core values, or other deal breakers.

  3. Start with vision. The first step is to create a vision for what you really want in your relationship. What is it that you really want in life that would light you up and excite you? What’s your vision for what this relationship would create in the world that would inspire you to be in this relationship? Make it so compelling to you, so exciting and so clear that you get so much emotion you’ll find a way to make it happen.

  4. Focus on where you want to be, not where you are. Tony Robbins can’t stress this enough, but he says you must focus on what you want, not where you are. Don’t limit yourself. Create your impossible dream, make it so emotionally exciting that you can’t help but make it happen, and then you will figure out a way to make your dream come true. Tony is a master at turning dreams into reality.

  5. Create a list of what you want, what you must not have, and who you must become to attract that relationship. Create extreme clarity. Be as specific as possible. You need a vision of what you want in detail in terms of your mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual desires. You also need to know what you MUST NOT have in your relationships so that you don’t destroy them. Lastly, you need to know the kind of person who you need to become so that you can attract your ultimate relationship.

  6. Don’t destroy your relationships. You need to know what you MUST NOT have in your relationship. For example, you MUST NOT have conflicts in your core values with your partners. So many relationships end because the couple didn’t know what they MUST NOT have in their relationship.

  7. Select a partner that gives you both certainty and uncertainty. Certainty comes from having a common vision, common values, shared interests, etc. Uncertainty comes from differences. This uncertainty creates passion. You need certainty and passion to keep the relationship growing and exciting.

  8. Connect with your lover through their Six Human Needs. You create deep connection with your partner by meeting their Six Human Needs. The more of their needs you meet, the deeper the love and fulfillment you can create.

  9. Create a Raving Fan Lover. Your goal in your relationship is to create a Raving Fan Lover. You create a Raving Fan Lover by worshipping your lover. Through deep admiration, you create an unbreakable bond of trust and enthusiasm. This deep admiration and appreciation comes from deep self-awareness of your needs, wants, and desires, along with what you will not tolerate. It also comes from a deep awareness of your lover’s needs, wants, desires, and what they will not tolerate.

  10. Practice the 5 Disciplines of Love. Practice the 5 Disciplines of Love to cultivate passion and create an ongoing adventure. By investing in the 5 Disciplines of Love, you can “create a sexy and exciting partnership that lights up every aspect of your life to create a relationship full of earthshaking excitement, joy, and passion.”

If you are ready to create a magnificent, fulfilling relationship, then get ready to learn what it takes to show and grow your love by leaps and bounds.

A Guide to a Life of Purpose

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“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames.” ~Rumi

Let’s say you’re feeling unmotivated, unsure of yourself, aimless, can’t find your passion, directionless, not clear on what your purpose in life is.

You’re in good company — most people are in the same boat.

Now, there about a million things online telling you how to find your passion in life, and that’s a good thing. It’s a search worth undergoing.

I’m not going to give you a fool-proof method, or a 5-step method, nor share my passion manifesto with you today.

I’m going to give you a one-step method.

However, that one step is a doozy.

The One Step to Finding Your Purpose

It’s simply this: learn to get outside your personal bubble.

Your personal bubble is the small world you live in (we all have one), where you are the center of the universe. You are concerned with your wellbeing, with not wanting to look bad, with succeeding in life, with your personal pleasure (good food, good music, good sex, etc.).

This is the bubble we all live in most of the time, and people who say they don’t are trying to prove something.

When someone tells you you look fat, this only hurts because you’re in your personal bubble. You take that statement (a colleague who says you look fat) and believe that it’s about you, and feel the pain or embarrassment of how the statement affects you. It matters a lot, because in your bubble, what matters most is how everything affects you personally.

I’m the same way, and so is everyone else.

Some other problems caused by this personal bubble:

  • In our bubble, we’re concerned with our pleasure and comfort, and try not to be uncomfortable. This is why we don’t exercise, why we don’t only eat healthy food.

  • This fear of being uncomfortable is also why we get anxious at the thought of meeting strangers. It hampers our social lives, our love lives.

  • Because we don’t want to look bad, we are afraid of failing. So we don’t tackle tough things.

  • We procrastinate because of this fear of failing, this fear of discomfort.

  • When someone does or says something, we relate that event with how it affect us, and this can cause anger or pain or irritation.

  • We expect people to try to give us what we want, and when they don’t, we get frustrated or angry.

Actually, pretty much all our problems are caused by this bubble.

Including the difficulty in finding our life purpose. But more on that in a minute — I ask for your patience here, because this is important.

What Happens When We Get Out of the Bubble

If we can learn to get outside this personal bubble, and see things from a less self-centered approach, we can see some amazing things:

  • When someone says or does something, it’s not really about us — it’s about pain or fear or confusion they’re feeling, or a desire they have. Not us.

  • When we have an urge for temporary pleasure (TV, social media, junk food, porn), we can see that this urge is a simple passing physical sensation, and not the center of the universe.

  • We can start to see that our personal desires are actually pretty trivial, and that there’s more to life than trying to meet our pleasures and shy from our discomfort. There’s more than our little fears. Including: the pain and suffering of other people, and compassion for them. Compassion for all living beings. Wanting to make the world better.

  • We can tie our daily actions, like learning about how our minds and bodies and habits work, or getting healthy, or creating something, not only to our personal satisfaction and success (trivial things) but to how they help others, how they make the lives of others better, how they might lessen the suffering of others.

We become less self-centered, and begin to have a wider view. Everything changes, from letting go of fear and anger and procrastination, to changing our habits and finding work that matters.

How does this relate to finding our life purpose? Let’s explore that.

The Wider View, and Our Life Purpose

Once we get out of the bubble, and see things with a wider view, we can start a journey along a path like this:

  1. We can start to see the needs of others, and feel for their suffering.

  2. We then work to make their lives better, and lessen their suffering.

  3. Even if we aren’t good at that, we can learn skills that help us to be better at it. It’s the intention that matters.

  4. As we go about our daily work, we can tie our actions to this greater purpose. Learning to program or become healthy (for example) isn’t just for our betterment, but for the betterment of others, even in a small way. This gives us motivation on a moment-to-moment basis. When we lose motivation, we need to get back out of our bubble, shed our concern for our discomfort and fears, and tie ourselves to a bigger purpose.

In this path, it doesn’t matter what specific actions you take or skills you learn to make people’s lives better. What career you choose is not important — what matters is the bigger purpose. You can always change your career and learn new skills later, as you learn other ways to fulfill this purpose. You’ll learn over time.

What matters is becoming bigger than yourself. Once you do, you learn that you have a purpose in life.

How to Get Out of the Bubble

Sounds great, but getting outside this personal bubble isn’t as easy as just saying, “Let it be so.” It takes work.

First, you must see when you’re stuck in the bubble. Whenever you’re angry, frustrated, irritated, fearful, anxious, procrastinating, feeling hurt, wishing people would be different … you’re in the bubble. These are signs. You are at the center of your universe, and everything is relating to you and your feelings. When you can’t stick to habits, or have a hard time with a diet, you’re in the bubble. Your momentary pleasure is what matters in this bubble. Outside the bubble, they’re just little events (sensations of desire, urges) that can be let go of.

Second, when you notice that you’re in the bubble, expand your mind and heart. See the bigger picture. Feel what others must be feeling. Try to understand rather than condemning. See how little and petty your concerns and fears have been. Realize that if others treat you badly, it’s not about you, but about their suffering.

Third, wish others well. Genuinely want their happiness, just as you want your own happiness. See their suffering and wish for it to end or lessen.

Fourth, see how you can help. How can you lessen the suffering of others? Sometimes it’s just by paying attention, just listening. Other times you just need to be there, just lend a hand. You don’t need to go around solving everyone’s problems — they probably don’t want that. Just be there for them. And see if you can make people’s lives better — create something to make them smile. Make one little part of their world — a cup of tea, an article of clothing you’ve sewn — be a little space of goodness.

Repeat this process multiple times a day, and you’ll get better at it.

You’ll learn to be bigger than yourself. You’ll learn that the life we’ve been given is a gift, and we must make the most of it, and not waste a second. You’ll learn that there is nothing more fulfilling than making the lives of others a little better.

-AG

Find Freedom in Any Moment

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One of our deepest desires is for freedom: to be free of stress, anxiety, a frustrating person, a difficult situation, financial struggles, health problems, the daily grind, distractions, feeling inadequate. 

So many books, products and other paid solutions offer a version of this freedom. Escape. Peace. Mindfulness. Simplicity. Self esteem. A better relationship. Health and fitness. Freedom, for a price. 

One of the great discoveries of my life is that this freedom is always available to us. In any moment. 

That might sound obvious to some of you, but you’d be surprised at how often we forget this, even after we discover it. 

It’s a practice of a lifetime. 

Let’s explore it a bit. 

The Obstacle to Our Freedom

If freedom is always available to us, why is it so difficult to find?

It’s important to bring awareness to the obstacle before we look at solutions. 

Let’s imagine you’re in a situation with someone who is absolutely frustrating you … you just want to get away from them, to a place with peace and quiet, to freedom from this frustrating person.

What in this moment is preventing you from feeling freedom? It might seem like it’s the other person … but it’s never really something external. They might be the trigger for how you feel, but in reality we are the ones who create the feeling of frustration, through how we’re viewing the situation or other person.

Let me emphasize that: how we view the other person, or the situation, creates our feeling of stress, frustration, anger, disappointment.

It doesn’t really matter what the external situation is: some frustrating person, politics, a sporting event, our own behavior. If a feeling of lack of freedom gets created, it’s because of our view.

This isn’t to blame ourselves — we’re not doing anything wrong. It’s simply to bring awareness to the cause of this obstacle.

The liberating thing is that if our views are responsible for this difficulty … we have the power to change the situation! Always.

Creating Freedom in Any Moment

So let’s go back to that moment when someone is acting in a frustrating way, and we just want to get away from them, to peace and freedom …

In this situation, we can absolutely create freedom for ourselves by getting out of the situation, going for a walk, finding the freedom of nature. And in fact, I highly recommend it in most cases.

But I want to use this scenario to show that freedom can be had even without walking away. Simply an illustration of the principle, not a recommendation to stay in a frustrating situation.

So how can we find freedom? Here’s a simple method that can be practiced:

  1. Recognize that you’re frustrated (or stressed, disappointed, lonely, etc). Let yourself feel the feelings, as sensations in your body. There’s nothing wrong with how you’re feeling.

  2. Then bring awareness to your view. The view that is causing the frustration: “They shouldn’t act this way” or “They always criticize me, I don’t know why they have to be so critical” or “I shouldn’t be such a procrastinator, I suck!” We’re not criticizing the view, not even saying it’s wrong … we’re just bringing awareness to the view that’s causing the lack of freedom.

  3. Ask if the view is helping you or serving you. If you’re feeling frustration or hurt, it’s probably not. Ask whether you’re committed to staying this way, or if you’d like to change. If you’d like to change, move on to the next step.

  4. Loosen your grip on the view. For example: Do you really know someone shouldn’t act the way they should? Have you walked in their shoes? Do you know how everyone should act? I personally don’t even know how I should act, let alone how others should act. This kind of inquiry is not to tell ourselves that our view is wrong — it’s simply to loosen our attachment to the view, to show that there might be other possibilities. Is it possible there are other perspectives? Other things you don’t know?

  5. Experience the world free of views. In any moment, we can simply let go of our views and see the world just as it is. See the objects, the light, the colors and textures, the space of the world around us. See the other person simply as a collection of matter and energy. Just experience the moment as direct experience, not as part of a narrative that we have in our heads. This is true freedom, and it’s simply being in the moment free of views, just experiencing. It’s like when you’ve been out in nature, fully immersed in the experience without really thinking anything, lazily lying in the grass staring up at the trees and sky, floating in the ocean feeling one with the water, on vacation in a hammock fully relaxed and without any worries. This is the freedom available to us in any moment.

  6. Bonus: Bring in a new, helpful perspective. First of all, you don’t need a new perspective — the freedom is experiencing the moment without views. That said, sometimes it can be helpful to try out new perspectives! For example … can we find gratitude for this person, or for ourselves? Can we see the gift that they are, or that we are? Can we feel a connection to them, or find compassion for the fear and pain they’re feeling? Could we bring curiosity or a sense of exploration to the situation? This kind of thing isn’t always helpful (for example, if you’re in danger or in an abusive situation, get away!), but can very often be worth trying out.

This all takes practice, obviously. You can’t do the last few steps until you start practicing the first few steps. The last few steps can be a struggle when we’re really strongly holding our views. Don’t worry too much about that, just keep practicing!

The Power of Finding This Freedom

If we learn to practice this kind of freedom in any moment, we start to have much more choice.

For example:

  • If we were thinking about breaking up with someone because we’re tired of being in frustrating conflicts with them, we might we able to let go of the frustration and find peace, even when they’re upset. This might allow us to be more compassionate with them, and could shift the entire relationship. Not necessarily, but there is possibility here.

  • If we’re frustrated with ourselves, it can be the start of a kinder relationship to ourselves.

  • If we’re avoiding something, like doing our taxes or budget, instead of avoiding it to be free of the stress … we could actually find freedom doing the task. This allows us to find freedom in any activity: exercise, cleaning, decluttering, writing, being in a meeting.

  • We can eventually be free to do anything: launch a business, write and publish a book, put our creations on social media, connect with people online, be on a stage, create a movement. Because the things that were limiting us before are no longer limitations — we can be free doing all of these things.

-AG

Don’t Tie Your Self-Worth on Others’ Actions

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Allowing ourselves to get sucked into the emotions of others is one thing … but one of the more difficult problems is allowing the actions of other people to affect how we judge ourselves.

A good example: your girlfriend dumps you, so you wonder what’s wrong with yourself. Why doesn’t she love you? You opened yourself up to her, you shared your innermost self, you gave all your love to her… and she rejected you. This must mean she found you unworthy, right?

Actually, no: her actions have nothing to do with you, really.

Let me emphasize that because it’s really important: the actions of other people have very little to do with you.

If your girlfriend rejects you, or your boss gets mad at you, or your friend is a little distant today… that has very little to do with you (and your value as a person) and everything to do with what’s going on with them. They might be having a bad day, a bad week, are caught up in some story going on in their heads, are afraid of commitment or being rejected themselves, fear failing in the relationship, and so on and so on.

There are a million possible reasons someone might do something, and they are not a judgment on you. They are more a statement of what’s going on with the other person.

Let’s take a few examples:

  • Your friend isn’t as attentive as you’d like him to be. Does that mean he doesn’t care about you, or doesn’t want you to be happy? No. It’s possible he’s just tired, or too caught up in things that happened today to be attentive. Maybe he’s bothered by something you did, but that really is more about his issue of dealing with your actions than it is about you as a person. Maybe you can help him deal with that issue, or somehow ease his pain.

  • Your co-worker gets irritated with you and is rude. Does that mean you aren’t a good person? No, it means that person has a short temper and isn’t good at dealing with other people, or again, might be having a bad day. Instead of taking it personally, see how you can either give that person space to cool down, or help the person deal with their issues.

  • Someone doesn’t get as excited about your idea as you’d hoped. Does their rejection of your idea or proposal mean that you aren’t good? No. It’s possible your idea isn’t great, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t good or that you don’t have good ideas — maybe this is just not the right idea right now. But it’s also likely that it’s a good idea but that this person doesn’t appreciate it, or their interests don’t align with this idea right now, or maybe they have other priorities and can’t deal with this idea. Instead, thank them and move on to someone else who might be interested.

Those are just a few examples, but you can see how we often take other people’s actions personally even when they have very little to do with us. And we can often interpret their actions to be a judgment on us, and so feel bad about ourselves, when really it’s nothing to do with us.

So how do we deal with other people’s actions instead? Let’s take a look.

How to Deal with Others’ Actions

So someone rejects you, gets mad at you, is indifferent to you, is rude to you … what do you do?

There are many options, of course, but here’s what I suggest generally:

  1. Don’t take it personally. Their actions don’t have anything to do with you, so if you find yourself taking it as a personal affront to you, or a judgment of your worth, be aware of that, and let it go. Tell yourself that this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them.

  2. Reaffirm your value. If you feel yourself doubting your value because of their actions, recognize that your value isn’t determined by their actions or judgments. It’s determined by you. So reaffirm that you believe you have great value — appreciate the things about yourself that are good and that have value. Even if no one else appreciates you, be the one person who can see those good things and is grateful for them. That’s all you need.

  3. Be compassionate. If that person is mad, rude, irritated, tired or afraid … they are in pain. They might be lashing out at you, or withdrawing from you, because of that pain. See if you can help relieve the pain. You’ve already checked in with yourself, and realized you are good to go. Now go help the other person. If they don’t want your help, that’s OK too. Your worth isn’t determined by whether someone wants or uses your help — it’s the fact that you tried to help that’s a statement of your value. You can’t control whether other people receive your help or are grateful for it … but you can at least make the attempt.

These three steps, by the way, don’t just help you with your self worth … they help your relationship with the other person. Often we react to others as if they personally injured us, and the other person doesn’t understand why … and so they in turn take our reaction personally, and get mad or hurt. If instead we don’t take their actions personally, and instead seek to help them, they are more likely to be grateful than mad or hurt. And so we’re better friends, co-workers, partners, parents if we take things less personally and are more compassionate.

This takes practice, of course, like all skills. It’s important to recognize what’s going on, so that you can then practice these skills whenever possible.

-AG